Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I don’t watch the news anymore. It’s sad and depressing all the time. Even my local news rarely has anything good to say. Even here we have murders, rapes, death and destruction all the time. The local news seems to downplay anything good, saving all the human interest stories until after the weather when everyone has pretty much tuned out anyway. It really makes me wonder if the world is truly going to end soon.

Unlike a lot of people I don’t think the world is going to end because of some preordained set of circumstances. I don’t think that the Lord is going to call people home and the Antichrist will reign for years before the end. I think we will create and execute our own destruction. Our selfishness and utter disregard for our fellow man will be the end of us.

When you have children raping and murdering other kids and a parent killing their own flesh and blood for no reason at all something has to change or we might as well just kill ourselves off. Why do any of us deserve the opportunities we have been given when all anyone worries about is themselves and the latest and greatest new toy they can buy? We are supposedly in a recession of epic proportion but Harry Potter can make million in one hour. While there are children dying due to lack of food and shelter people are spending hundreds of dollars on cell phones that will be obsolete in a year.

Is this for sure signs of the end of the world? I truly hope not. I pray to a higher power, any higher power if such a being exists, that we all wake up and stop thinking of only ourselves. I wish for a better world, a world where a soldier dying in a senseless war matters more than a drug addicted pop star who has been accused of atrocities that would put the rest of us in prison. I dream of a world where no child goes to bed hungry and where the people in power actually care for the people they have sworn to serve. I might as well be throwing pennies in a wishing well for all my hoping and wishing though because no one really cares about others and the people who do care, who are aware of the world around them are the people without the power to actually bring about change.

Our narcissism has spawned the children of today. Kids who can’t tell you who the vice president of our own country is, much less anything about the world outside their bubble of self centeredness can tweet about how horrid their lives are and truly believe what they are saying because they have been raised to think that they are truly the center of the universe and have no idea what true suffering is. People get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget that it is their duty, their responsibility, to contribute something to society. They forget to teach their children manners and respect because they are too busy working 80 hours a week so that their child won’t feel bad about not having a $500 game system.

When I look at the world around me it makes me sad and angry to see that people truly can’t see what they are doing wrong. They can’t see that their petty problems could be solved by taking responsibility for their own actions and accepting blame which would free them and give them the opportunity to do something with their lives. They worry about what the people down the street think of them if their lawn isn’t perfect. They never realize that the people down the street only attempt perfection to impress the people around them. Everyone gets caught in a cycle and no one notices that the one family on the block who isn’t outwardly perfect and upwardly mobile needs help. No one thinks to offer their time or money to those people, all that occurs to them is that those people are decreasing their property value with their tall grass and broke down cars. When the sheriff comes to evict them they are thankful to have those bad seeds out of their neighborhood. When they see the children on the news in a few years for robbery or worse they are grateful that their children didn’t have to know them. They feel like they dodged a bullet and the truth is that they could have stopped the bullet altogether.

People take the time to march against homosexual marriage and protest at abortion clinics without ever taking the time to talk to the people they are so hell bent on keeping down. They don’t see people, they see causes and if they took the opportunity to see the people their thinking would change altogether.

There is so much hate in the world today that you can feel it if you stand in a crowded room and just listen. There is a palatable tension in the air surrounding us and no one stops in their self centered quest for happiness to notice it. If we all took a collective breath and chose to see the people around us we would all be better for it. Stop looking for causes and things to be against and start making changes in our own lives and in our own self and find things to stand for. Stand for the children, the downtrodden and the lost ones, people who never had a chance could be something great if only someone would give them the time, give them a chance.

We won’t do anything of those things though. People as a rule are so selfish that it becomes a handicap. They see a 16 year old thug and write him off, never trying to understand how he got to where he is. Instead they say he will amount to nothing and because of that attitude he won’t. He’ll be just another lost soul, another headline story on the news because no one cared enough to show him that he could be better than his circumstances.

When you read or watch the news today don’t look at the criminals and the sad stories and be thankful it isn’t you. Look at yourself and wonder what you can do to change things, what you can do to make the world around you better. Take the time to reach out to the people are down and teach your children with actions, not words. We can make a difference if we only try.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


As I stepped out of the shower I caught a glimpse of myself. Water glistened off of reddened ivory skin; my long hair was damp and clung to my back. The scars on my chest were swollen and pink from the heat of the shower. I closed my eyes and quickly wrapped a towel around myself before I found myself standing there picking myself apart and thinking of a thousand reasons not to go tonight.

I had looked forward to tonight for weeks. Since my divorce party a month ago to be precise, that night had been amazing and the best part of all was when Mark asked if he could see me again. I had lusted after him for two years but said no because of my marriage. I continued to give it one more chance, another try every time I was at my breaking point and the thoughts of Mark, my best friend’s brother got pushed aside in the chaos that was the death throes of my marriage.

Since then Mark and I had dated, just like when I had in high school. Dating as an adult was different though, I wasn’t a shy, young girl anymore. I was a woman with a woman’s desires and needs. I would have let Mark have me on the first date, after a good night kiss that left me breathless but I couldn’t. The thought of him seeing me, naked and bare, scared me to the point of frigidity.

Tonight was the night though; I had promised myself that I wouldn’t back out this time. In fact we were having dinner at my place so that I wouldn’t have the drive home to talk myself out of it.

Checking the clock I hurried and dried my hair, straightening into a ruby wave that flowed down past my shoulders. Slipping the short black dress over my perfumed skin I almost changed my mind about wearing no underwear. Instead I put on sky high stilettos and walked out of the room. I had a plan and I was going to follow through even if it killed me.

Mark was at the door precisely at 9 and I had a bottle of wine chilled and ready to pour. Two glasses later we were cuddling on the couch, his hand sliding down my silky calf and back up again, higher each time until his fingertips brushed the hem of my dress. His touch mesmerized me, enthralled me so much that when he stopped mid thigh I groaned.

His grass green eyes met mine and searched for the answer to his unspoken question. I could tell he didn’t want to be rejected, not again. When I tried to say yes my mouth was dry so I spread my legs a little, that fraction of an inch answering for me.

Mark pulled me to him, forcing me to straddle him as his mouth crushed mine. Weeks of frustration and longing made his kiss punishing and I met his assault with my own. He held me close to him as he explored my body with his hands.

Moaning, I rocked my hips against his hard cock. My cunt was swollen and craving, needing something only he could give. Mark pulled back from me and told me to stand in front of him as he knelt on the floor in front of me. Pushing my dress up he trailed kisses up to my wet slit and slowly parted me with his tongue. I cried out in ecstasy as he sucked hard on my clit, an orgasm hitting me almost instantly.

“Cassandra, I must have you,” Mark said as I he took his mouth from my quivering pussy. “Strip now and let me take you.”

“Mark, wait,” I said, trying to catch my breath. I hadn’t meant for this to go so quickly, I had meant to tell him earlier. “I have to tell you something. Something about my body….”

“Oh, Cass, I love you for you and your body is wonderful. Please let me see more of it, I need to be inside of you.” Mark was pushing at my dress as he stood. His words comforted me and suddenly a botched boob job didn’t seem so bad. I let him take the dress the rest of the way up.

Retching sounds filled the room and I could hear Mark running through the house. He had stopped with my dress around my head and I had to struggle to get back into it to see where he had gone.

The front door was open and Mark was almost to his car. I called him name and he turned just before jumping in, a look of horror on his face.

”Mark….Mark come back….I can get it fixed. Mark….Mark…..”

Mark faded away as a familiar voice intruded from nowhere.

“Cass, wake up. It’s time to go,” Sarah stood there with her gym bag in hand and her purse in the other. “Dr. Goldstein isn’t going to wait forever. We have to be prepped by 8 a.m.”

Oh yeah, today was my breast augmentation. This time next month I would no longer be a boring B but a full blown double D. The dream though, the look of terror on the mythical man of my dreams face.

“You know what Sarah; I think I changed my mind. I think for now I’m just going to stay a boring B. I’ll still go with you if you want me to though.”

Two months later I couldn’t help but notice how much attention Sarah’s chest was getting as I sat alone at the bar. A guy sat down beside me and I looked up. He had the most amazing eyes, like the green grass of Ireland.

“Hi, my name is Mark….”

Monday, April 27, 2009


Some days I am unsure of how I feel, whether the way I feel is real.

See the problem is that I have changed opinions so often in my life that I am scared to make decisions.

Feelings inside me are just emotional collisions; I rubberneck inside my own prison.

Life happens to me and I am an observer in my own corner of reality.

I don’t know whether I am sick in the head or just sick and tired, tired of this life, sick of this world.

I know it’s cliché but I feel like The Fates were extra hard on me.

If others could only see the horrors afflicted on me, then no one else would ever think woes me.